Play Excerpts
Copyright 2000, Taylor Made Ministry
This play is about the Watt Family who have come from their simple mountain home to visit the new shopping mall in town. In other words, the hillbillies go to the city! The Watt Family - father Say Watt, and his sons Dew Watt and Now Watt - and many more family members - are facinated by what they see during the mall's "Christmas Celebration". They see strange sites such as moving stairways, people with purple hair, and security guards trying to be incognito who are doing a very poor job of it! They see a fat man in a red suit, all the "purdy" decorations, and two mothers fighting over a toy called "the totally outrageous toy that costs a fortune but is not worth a nickel"! But, they think, what does any of this really have to do with celebrating Christmas? At the end of the play the Watt Family explains the true meaning of Christmas to the shoppers and mall employees.
Excerpt #1
Friday: (Speaking to audience. Speaks in short, dramatic sentences like the hero on Dragnet! This part could also be done over a PA system with the actor not seen.)
Hello. The name is Tuesday, Joe Tuesday. This is the Whitman World of Wonderful - a brand new shopping mall. I am the head security guard. Today is Sunday, December 24. You know it as Christmas Eve but I know it as W-day! Yes, I said W-Day. Weird-o day. I am Tuesday, Joe Tuesday. Oh, I told you that didn't I? This is the day when all the weird-o's appear at the Shopping mall, and as the head security guard, it is my place to watch for them. If there is any kind of disturbance, I have to nip it - Yes, I said nip it - in the bud. I haven't seen any strange ones yet, but we don't open for another five minutes. My employees, store detectives Kluger and Stulz, have been advised to keep both eyes wide open today for the not so normal Christmas shoppers. W-Day has arrived. Roger that. This is Tuesday talking about Sunday. 10-4 rampart. I advise you to be on the lookout.(bell rings) Hear that? That was the bell to unlock the door. Let's get to work. Tuesday here, and now Tuesday - uh, not here. Over. (leaves stage)
Kluger: (on stage with radio) Kluger to Stultz, Kluger to Stultz, Do you read me Stultz? Do you read me?
Stultz: (not yet seen - just heard) This is S.T. Ultz, to K.L. Uger, You know we're not suppose to use our real names on the radio! Over and Out!
Kluger: Oh yeah, like nobody is going to figure out that S.T. Ultz is the same as Stultz! Sheesh - Give me a break!
Stultz: That may be the case, but until you pick up the correct radio etiquette, I am not talking to you!
Kluger: Listen, we have got a situation here that we need to discuss!
Stultz: (Humming- Ignoring Kluger),.....Hmmm....
Kluger: Good Gravy! S.T. Ultz, this is K.L. Uger, Do you copy, your radio highness?
Stultz: Roger that, good buddy. What is the problem?
Kluger: I think you need to come here and look around with me. I saw an old jaloppy coming up the ramp to the parking garage. The passengers were not like any I have ever seen.
Stultz: Different, huh?
Kluger: Very different!
(Stultz arrives on stage)
End of Excerpt #1
Excerpt # 2
(Watt Family arrives at the Mall)
Hundred:
Weee - oh, Buddy. Look at
this place. It sure is purdy.
Buddy:
Purdy, ain’t the word for it, honey!
Hundred:
Look at that sign. It says
Christmas Cebralation! I guess
we’d better cebralate then, shouldn’t we! (celebration is spelled
incorrectly and pronounced incorrectly, also)
Well:
Why don’t we do Thelma’s cheer ?!
Thelma:
You mean the cheer that we do when the possum is so tender it falls off
the bone?!
The possum cheer!
Well:
Yes siree bob! The possum
cheer!
Thelma:
You lead us, Hundred!
Hundred:
Give me a P!
All:
P!
Hundred:
Give me an A!
All:
A!
Hundred:
Give me an S!
All:
S!
Hundred:
Give me a U!
All:
U!
Hundred:
Give me an M!
All:
M!
Hundred:
What do we like to eat?
All:
Pasum!
Hundred:
I can’t hear you!
All:
Pasum!
Hundred:
Say it again!
All:
Pasum! Pasum! Pasum!
Now:
Boy that was fun, wudn’t it? Maybe
we can do that again on the way home!
Buddy: Speaking of food - Thelma, that was the best ground hog sausage you ever fixed this
morning!
Well:
Amen to that Buddy.
Thelma:
Those tire prints didn’t even make that roadkill tough like they
usually do.
(End
of Excerpt #2)
Now:
Hey Dew, what are you doin’?
Buddy:
Don’t bother your cousin Dew boy, he’s onto the scent.
Well:
The scent of what Buddy?
Buddy:
Don’t know, boy, but ya don’t wanna disturb him while he’s
sniffin!
Thelma:
No, the last time somebody bothered him, he sniffed one time too many
and got too
close to the old dog. We
like to never got Snooper’s tail out of Dew’s big ole
nostrils!
(Loretta,
who is sweet on Dew, enters)
Loretta:
Howdy Do Dew.
Dew:
Howdy do to you too, Miss Loretta.
When did you git here?
Loretta: We got
here right after you Watts got here. We
saw you parking the jallopy. You
look so sophisticated
when you drive that jallopy , like it was some kinda fancy
car, like a volkswagon beetle,a love bug.
Dew: Someday I might own one of them fancy smancy cars. I can’t talk about it right now,
though,I’m on the smell of something.
Loretta:
Oh, I do like to watch a man at work.
What is it Dew?
Dew: I can’t rightly tell. It was a mild odor, but now it smells like something between a
skunk and a jar of honey.
Loretta: Oh, that’s me, Dew. That’s my new parfume. Do you like it? Its called
Honeyskunkle!
Dew:
Well, it must be good. My
eyes are startin to water and I can’t hardly breathe.
Loretta:
I knew it would take your breath away!
End of Excerpt #3
Excerpt #4
Hundred: Well, Praise the Lord, Family!
Kluger:
That’s amazing. It sends
shivers down my spine! Can you tell
me more about this man? This man called Jesus? Could we talk more about Him during my lunch
break?
Buddy:
Sure. I would be plum pleased to tell you all about Jesus.
Stultz:
Wait, just for the record, do you and your family have a still?
Thelma: A still? Why, Missy, we don’t just have one still, we have a bunch of ‘em.
Stultz:
Why, how can you be a Christian and have a still?
Thelma: I
don’t know what you mean, Little Miss Police Woman (or Man).
We have the stills
because we are Christians.
Kluger:
I think you’d better explain that one.
Dew:
My favorite still is right here.
Stultz:
In your pocket? How can your
still be in your pocket?
Dew:
Keep it right here on this card:
Be still and know that I am God.
Buddy: I
have my still, too: Stand still and see the Salvation of the Lord.
Thelma:
I don’t have my still wrote down, but the Bible says that the Lord will
speak in a still, small voice.
Kluger:
Now, I understand. I think I
have heard that still small voice today.
Stultz:
Me, too. I can’t explain it but its right here (points to head) - or
maybe right here
(points to heart).
End of Excerpt #4
Watt Family Christmas?
by
Cheryl Taylor
Copyright 2000, Taylor Made Ministry
Costumes and Props:
Watt Family- The Watt Family are your typical “hillbilly” type family. They are as country as dirt, using slang and a drawn out accent, if yall know wut I mean. I realize that some of the text is written grammatically incorrect and misspelled words, but I tried to be authentic. Most of them could wear bibbed overalls, jean skirts, jeans, flannel shirts, etc. Loretta could wear a flowered, flowing dress and a big hat. She is rather “loud” in actions and in dress. Security Guards could be in trench coats and carry walkie talkies. Props - you could decorate the stage with signs (store names) and Christmas Decorations. You will need a large sign that says, Christmas Celebration. (All of the hillbillies say Cebralation, instead of celebration.) You could also decorate the side walls of the church (auditorium area) with signs of store names (with a little twist) such as J.C. Quarters (instead of J.C. Penney’s - get it?!), the Dollar Bush (Dollar Tree!). Christmas lights, decorations, etc. You can also play instrumental Christmas music very softly. You will also need a box to represent the toy that the shoppers are fighting over. It doesn’t matter how big, just so it can be seen. You can print or draw a label that says the name of the toy and glue it onto the box. Feel free to make minor changes to the script, make as many copies as you need. There is no performance fee required, however, please respect my copyright and don’t give the play away to your friends or, in case you don’t like the play, your enemies.
Cast of Characters:
Buddy (Say) - older boy
Thelma - older girl
Now - boy or girl
Junior (or Ellie) - young boy or girl
Hundred - older girl
Well - older girl
Know - boy or girl
Dew - older boy, uses his nose to find things, the “sniffer”
Loretta - older girl, very fond of Dew, flirty
Kluger - Security Guard, male or female, more serious
Stultz - Security Guard, male or female, overzealous, excited
Joyce - Shopper, mother of Becky, casual clothes
Sandi - Shopper, mother of Keith, casual clothes
Becky - Shopper, young girl, casual clothes
Keith - Shopper, young boy, casual clothes
Child #1 - young male or female child, a member of the Watt Family, goes with family, but doesn’t speak until the end of play. If you want to give a name to #1 that is fine. Created this part for a small child who may not want a big part. If you want to give child a few more lines, just “steal” some from another character.
Child #2 - See child #1 above
Author’s Advice:
I always remind my actors that if they put on the greatest performance imaginable in the play and fail to lift Jesus up, they have done everything in vain. Even though we strive to remember our lines, and make our characters come to life, we should always remember the giver of life. He is the reason that we celebrate. Our motives should never be just so we can be on stage, but that we can give God the praise and the glory, exalting Him and His story. I will continue to pray for you and your cast, as I hope you will pray for me and my business venture. Please keep me posted on how things are going and let me know if you need me for anything. Thanks and God Bless You!
In Christ,
Cheryl Taylor